“An exercise for you: Spend an hour with yourself with no distractions (no music, no books, no TV). Just sit. Don’t intentionally meditate. Write about any feelings that crop up for you.”
I sat down on the couch in our living room and turned on the heating pad against my back, stiff from chopping ice off the driveway. As I sat I took time to voice-to-text type whatever ran through my mind. Here is what I thought about in chronological order;
- My very first thought was the word ‘obedience.’ I was doing this because I was told to.
- Calmly thought about and ordered the things I need to do when I am done. No sense of urgency or wasting time. Just ordering thoughts.
- Marveled at the gentle snow falling outside the window. It’s seeming randomness, yet it will cover everything in almost perfect evenness.
- Watching/enjoying the antics of a ridiculous squirrel at the feeder munching away at the peanuts we put out.
- Slowly became aware of my heart beat and breathing. Began to do conscious breath exercises to relax even further.
- Felt the calmness and perfect beauty of the moments passing.
- Thought of Suzanne’s client who contacted her yesterday. He broke his neck in a fall and during his hospital stay, they discovered stage 4 cancer. He has months to live. My thoughts turned to mortality and ‘the big picture’.
- The snow is earlier than expected. Will that mean more accumulation? Do we have all our needed supplies? I think so. We’re good.
- I suddenly had a sense I would like to have done this chained by the neck. And thoughts of my love of slavery & helplessness.
- I begin to luxuriate in the feelings of my body. The warmth of the heating pad, my fuzzy, cozy sweater.
- I become aware of the ‘hum’ of life all around. The turtle tank pump. The rumble of Suzanne’s treadmill upstairs. My blood pressure buzzing in my ears.
- I feel satisfied with my life. I’ve made good choices.
- (30 minute mark) My eyes grow heavy and I close them, just listening now.
- Zoned out for 3-4 minutes.
- Saw the book I’m reading next to me – “How to argue with a cat”. And thought about what I was learning about myself from it in regards to personal communication.
- Marveled at the turtle’s glide. So boxy and bulky, yet so smooth and fluid in her swimming.
- Noticing little things around me that need attention. Dust on the entertainment center, clean the glass on the turtle tank.
- Petted the cat next to me.
- Returned to thoughts of mortality and Suze’s dying client.
- 44 minute mark I may have cheated. I felt hungry and got up to get a bowl of strawberries and two slices of swiss cheese and ate.
- The remaining 13-ish minutes where loops of similar thoughts, returning to the dying client, mortality, and the ‘big picture’… the beautiful snow and soft light of the day, my breathing…
P.S. Apparently while I sat in my awareness, a 1.4 magnitude struck Connecticut. I didn’t feel a thing. I guess there is awareness, then there’s awareness… lol!
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