Attending a Kink Event for the First Time

NOTE: I was recently asked to offer advice to male submissives on attending a kink event for the first time. By way of a resume of sorts, I can say I have been lucky enough to attend many, many kink events over the course of my relationship with my wife Suzanne. Dark Odyssey, Leather Retreat, Black Rose, Shibaricon, APEX, Thunder, Floating World, Bound in Boston, NEEHU, C.O.P.E., Paradise Unbound, SINsations and DomCon… several of these more than once.
Brett

Rule numma one, learn the rules! Every con has them. Find them, study them, consider getting them tattooed on your arm (just kidding!). But seriously. They will tell you all you need to know.

For example, some events rent out the entire hotel, so being a little kinky in your choice of clothing in the lobby may be okay. Others just have the conference space and a block of rooms, so vanilla mommy and her little ones will be everywhere else. Don’t be creepy around the vanillas! Actually, just don’t be creepy. Period.

At one conference, Suzanne and I got into an elevator with another couple who had a coffee urn on a cart. I smiled and trying to make small talk commented that I thought bringing your own coffee maker was brilliant as hotels never give you enough in the rooms. They looked nervously at us trying to decide if we were part of the con or not and then seeing our badges relaxed and said, “Er, no. We’re teaching a class on coffee enemas…” Worked for me! 🙂 Maybe not so much for vanilla mom.

Things they don’t tell you.

Remember while you are there, you are an ambassador for kinky people everywhere. Don’t leave your dildo soaking in the bathroom sink or the leather cuffs you bought at the con lying on the bed. The staff may or may not be kinky and does not consent to seeing what it is we do (WIIWD). Also, consider it your job to represent the con and make sure the hotel will be happy to invite them back! Consider leaving a daily tip and nice note for the cleaning staff. Thank the front desk people. In short, be your best you!

Did I mention don’t be creepy? That said, absolutely DO be a stalker!

Do your stalking.. errrr… homework. Research whom else may be attending. If there is someone you are particularly interested in meeting, learn about them. Learn their interests. Read things they’ve written. Everyone likes to be flattered, but only if it’s sincere. To say, “It’s my pleasure to meet you! I loved what you wrote about…” is a nice ice-breaker. If they are teaching at the event, hang back at the end of the class and go up and thank them. Tell them quickly what you got from their talk and say you hope to get a chance to speak more with them later.

“It is NOT about the clothes” (but it really is). That’s to say, it is not what you wear, because you will see it all. Jeans and a Bud Lite t-shirt to thigh-hi boots and full leather gear. But whatever you wear be neat and be clean!

Things you should already know (You’re a grown-up for pete’s sake)

Get a haircut. Shave (if that’s your thing). TRIM YOUR FREAKIN’ NAILS! I want to tell you a story about meeting a Domme for the first time. We met for coffee at a diner and after exchanging pleasantries she ordered me to put my hands on the table. She examined my hands and poorly trimmed nails with a ‘tsk-tsk’. “You need to do better. A slave never knows where he may be invited to put his hands and untrimmed, dirty nails are a punishable sin.” ‘Nuf said. Be neat and well groomed! And here is where Ms. Voltairine’s Obedient Love training comes in… oral care. Scrape your tongue, brush your teeth for two minutes (Yes! 2 full minutes!) and use a mouthwash. Nothing is more of a turn-off than bad breath. Speaking of smell, leave your AXE body spray at home. It is a Goddess given right for women to smell intoxicating or primal or whatever the hell they want so don’t even TRY to compete. Use unscented deodorants and soaps and let her scent envelop you both.

Like the saying goes, dress for the job you want. In this case, your dream job involves you being naked, so… be sure to wash and press that birthday suit before hand!

Some more “Do”s

Be alert for chances to be courteous. Hold a door open to let a woman pass. Politely offer to help carry stuff is you see someone struggling.
Speaking of classes, get there early. Keep an eye out for a chance to be helpful. Maybe arranging chairs, getting a table, fetching a glass of water. At some cons, I’ve ended up doing more work then some of the con workers! But that’s me, I’m a service slut. 🙂

Dungeon/Play party etiquette

Be quiet in the dungeon! (Goddess, someone needs to beat this one into me!)
Look but never touch anyone or anything unless you are invited too.
Keep your distance and don’t intrude on someone’s space while they are playing or immediately afterwards. If you aren’t careful you may get a fast lesson on exactly how much room it takes to throw a single-tail whip!
If you are lucky enough to be invited to play, wipe down the bondage gear before and after use. Nobody wants your flop sweat.
Thank them for agreeing to ‘play’ with you! Then thank them again! Ask if you can help pack up their gear for them while you are thanking them a third time.

Definitely bring your own gear if you have some. It you don’t have any yet, the vendors area is a great place to start adding to your toy bag. (yes, submissives have toy bags too!) After all, she may not want your blood all over her favorite whip but I bet she wouldn’t mind at all if it was yours! 🙂 Another benefit of bringing your own toy bag is it gives her an immediate read on you and your BDSM likes. If you have floggers, whips and toothy-bitey clothespins, it says something completely different than if you have a feather duster, stocking, panties, a dog collar and a hairbrush. Then again, maybe you have all that. Ohhhhhh… you little slut you! 😉

After the ball was over…

You will probably experience what is known as Con drop. Maybe even Con crud. Con crud is the cold (or nowadays, Covid) you will inevitably get following a weekend of non-stop adrenaline, little sleep, and crappy food habits. Con drop is a melancholy – a mild depression – that it’s all over. For a too brief moment you got to be your authentic you and enjoy being amongst people just like you and now it’s back to work, family, and your hum-drum life.

One cure for Con drop and just a good idea in general is to spend time following up. After the event, send a thank you to the event organizers. Praise it on social media. Send a message on Fetlife or Twitter to people you met saying what a pleasure it was to make their acquaintance. Build your network of kinky friends, because cons are great fun, but good friends are what we all seek and need in our lives. 🙂

I’m sure I’ve missed a lot of really good advice, so please drop me a comment below with your tips on attending a kink event for the first time!

In praise of my fellow male submissive.

As I sit in my living room this morning listening to the obnoxiously loud, crotch-scratching, mouth-breathing, cro-magnons paving the driveway across the street, I’m struck by how different my coming out as a male submissive must have been from other men.

For one, I’ve always been surrounded by intelligent, open-minded, sensitive types. I’ve never been a big fan of sports and other competitive endeavors. Most of my friendships have always been with women. It’s where I felt I fit in. I was a ‘band fag’ in high school and college, a computer programmer in my working life. As I started dating my now-wife Suzanne SxySadist, I attended countless BDSM events around the country and made the acquaintance of so many other talented, beautiful kinksters.

Even my ‘coming out’ was made easy for me. My ex-wife outed me to my family – a move that backfired on her as it resulted in them all blocking her and telling me, “Hey, as long as you’re happy!”

So back to my current examples of “macho men” across the street. If that is the life you live in my fellow male submissive friend, I really feel for you! I can imagine how very difficult the idea of coming out around them must be and how very closeted, perverted, and alone you must feel. My heart goes out to you.

Please know however, you are not alone. You are not ‘sick’ or twisted. What you dream of is natural and very beautiful. There is a world filled with men and women who all share your dream. Don’t let the mouth-breathers get you down!

(If you have questions about the lifestyle or just want someone to bitch about life too, feel free to drop me a line at brettmacelveen@gmail.com)

Male primitive

Sex is largely a primitive brain function. I’ve been thinking about opinion pieces and research I’ve read over the years that discussed the male ‘hunt and conquer’ behavior as it relates to sex.

They are all saying basically, that men react to their primitive genetic code to hunt – to pursue a woman they see as desirable to mate with – slowly upping their game to woo her over and over until she succumbs to their advances and then fucks them. Once they have made their ‘conquest’, their interest wains as their primitive brain signals ‘mission accomplished’ and they move on to hunting their next sexual prey – primitively, subconsciously driven to impregnate as many women as possible. Modern man does a lot of higher thinking to try to quash his primitive brain, but fact is… it’s still active and has an impact on our male behavior.

Enter the concept of female controlled orgasms. Not only does it flip the notion of which gender is prey and which is the conquered but it puts the primitive male brain into a form of stasis, forever stuck in ‘hunt’ mode. He tries his old ‘up his game’, doing more and more to woo her but if she never permits him sexual satisfaction during sex, then no matter what his higher thinking brain tells him, his primitive ‘mission accomplished’ gene never gets tripped and he is stuck in an eternal loop of trying to seduce her over and over.

A lot of men relate the hunt/conquer process as a baseball metaphor – ‘getting to first base’ – a home run being their ultimate goal. Female sexual control through chastity or denial simply moves the bases much further apart. Once the hunter/prey relationship is flipped, you, the woman, has even more control to define the bases. “First base for me baby is getting to kiss and lick the soles of my shoes. Second base may be kissing the inside of my thighs.” But like some twisted David Lynch film image, the bases seem to continuously move further and further part until reaching home base becomes an seeming impossibility.

I would dare to say a woman could probably even allow a man intercourse with her and as long as she didn’t permit him to orgasm while she did, his conquer gene would remain unrequited and un-triggered. He would still be stuck in hunt mode. It is literally such a primitive brain
that without ejaculation, it doesn’t understand it’s had sex.

And there is so much more going on in the primitive male brain. He is driven to mate with the best female available. How does the primitive brain determine that? Simply by gauging how hard she is to get. Hard to get = must be valuable mate. You can see where an intelligent woman can use that thought process as well. 😉

I think for submissive men this works very well because we already innately feel we are never good enough to satisfy a woman and are constantly trying to impress her and woo her, so being trapped in this mode feels correct and natural. It’s the conquering part that feels false to us.

Just my musings. What are your thoughts?

On Sadism.

“I was not surprised, dear reader, at any [normal woman’s] evolution into sadism and the aphrodisiac affects engendered. In fact I consider it inevitable.

I do not suggest sadism is moral, but I am in no doubt that finding pleasure from the physical and-or mental torture of another is natural.

Consider any place of conflict in the world’s history including the British in Kenya, torturing Obama’s grandfather, the USA military torturing and humiliating the prisoners in Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. All violent conflicts produce an unlimited supply of torturers. The world is not full of evil people, but it is full of potential torturers. Simply give someone unconditional power over another and the absolute sense of freedom from any retribution – and sadistic torture follows. And, dear reader, if this argument does not sway you fully, consider the junior school playground, eight year old bullies – in every playground, without exception. Taking their pleasure from sadism; physical and mental tormenting. Both boys and girls; not evil; but just following natural pack mammal behaviors. Embedded for millions of years of evolution; lions, chimpanzees, wolves. The powerful in the pack, habitually and consistently lashing out at the weaker. For no other reason than because they can.

And by so doing, maintaining the order of hierarchy and providing stability within the pack. If I can convince any woman to throw off the fetters of humdrum conventional morality and of her absolute freedom from retribution, she will exploit her sadistic pleasure at [men’s] expense.”

– Mistress Scarlet. Journals of Real Female Domination: Volume 3

Why I surrendered my orgasms to a woman

Sexually speaking, I was a late bloomer. Probably because my nature to be shy, uber respectful, and catering towards women kept me from making the sexually aggressive advances that my more macho contemporaries did.

Its’ also probably why now in my early 60’s, my sex is still in overdrive. There may be something to be said too about one’s increased desire for sex as they near death (don’t take my word for it, read my aunt’s book Sexual Responses to the Stimulus of Death.), so maybe I’m just reacting to some primal need to procreate once more before I enter the void… who knows. What I do know is I am one horny dog.

I get out of bed around 2-3AM every morning because left to my own devices, I’d masturbate daily, edging myself for a couple hours each morning. Of course I can’t literally stroke myself for 3 hours straight… because ‘contact a doctor for erections lasting longer than 3 hours‘ is solid advice… and geez! Just think of the carpal tunnel I’d be suffering! LoL! So in between rounds, I’m doing service for my wife, Goddess Voltairine and Ms. Lane. I wonder what Dr. Pavlov would have to say about that? 😉

So yes, normally I would cum daily (sometimes more than once), but I digress.

Here are the reasons I consented to surrendering control of my orgasms to a woman.

Reason #1. I want it. My sexuality is ‘submissive’. Just like a homosexual gets arousal from a member of their own gender, my arousal comes from being dominated. In particular, I desire domination from a woman. Which is why throughout my entire sex life, I have largely only had sex at the advances of the woman I was dating. I need permission.

Reason #2. I need it. I am not well-suited to knowing what I need sexually. I have begged to be denied orgasm for 108 days. 30 days in, I’ve begged for an orgasm. Some might say I’m just looking for attention in both cases, but I will tell you that I am very sincere in what I’m begging for in the moment. And that’s my point. I don’t know what I want! I want to be obedient. To be controlled and denied. I want to cum. I don’t want to cum… I simply don’t know what I want. I need an intelligent, caring authority figure to decide what is best for me and save me from all my confusion and anxiety.

The ‘I want to/I don’t want to’ conundrum isn’t just kinky games. If you have ever done self-denial, you know the depression and feeling of failure that comes after your orgasm. It is far worse when a woman is doing the denying. If you fail to obey her and orgasm without permission, the feelings that follow are terrible. You are a loser. If you don’t confess what you did, you are a loser, a failure, and lair. You feel embarrassed that you even agreed this in the first place and you can start to spiral into depression, questioning your entire sexuality and life. So, truth be told we really don’t know what is best… other than follow her wishes on the matter.

Reason #3. Usefulness. As much as some of you may fantasize I have some deep, personal relationship with both Goddess Voltairine and Ms. Lane, I do not. I’m a servant to them just like many of you, and as such they don’t necessarily share their every plan and daily goals with me. I don’t know when or even if they will contact me and ask for my service in some way.

As anyway man who has spent time in chastity or been denied release for a prolonged time will tell you, you are far more attentive and eager to serve when you are horny. So if I were to have control of my orgasms, I may cum a couple times some morning and be into that refractory period of laziness and warm self-contentment men experience after orgasm when they suddenly need me for something. I can guarantee I won’t react as quickly or with as much attention to detail as I would if I was in my second month of denial!

So by surrendering my orgasms to them, they can put it on a schedule that works for them. A bit like letting your horse loose in the paddock to frolic and have fun between races. When it’s race time and you need him at peak performance, you put him back in training.

Reason #4. Retribution, Reparation, and Penance. For centuries men have forced sex upon women with little or no concern for their pleasure. Even worse are the patriarchies that still to this day force genital mutilation upon young girls as punishment or just to insure they never receive pleasure from sex.

In my small way, surrendering my orgasms to a woman’s control is my way of making amends for the sins of my fellow man. My orgasms are 100% for her pleasure and not mine.

I also wear a PA ring through my penis, put there in adherence to Goddess Voltairine’s principles. It is symbolic for the fact my genitals are no longer my own and may be mutilated and controlled – just like women have suffered. In addition to payback, pure and simple, Ms. Lane has commented time and again, zero rapes have been committed by men in chastity.

On the face of it that’s sounds like a joke, but being in chastity or surrendering your orgasms to the control of a woman makes you far less threatening to them! In fact, they may actually begin to feel safe enough around you to start amusing themselves by seeing how far they can push you without that typical male retaliation!

Reason #5. Mind Control. I’ve written about my opinions on this subject in depth here, and Goddess Voltairine saw enough merit in my thoughts to excerpt them in her book ‘150 Years of Gynarchy‘, but the short form is – edging creates an altered mental/emotional state much like hypnosis. If you practice edging frequently and imagine a woman demanding you stop each time you are on the brink of shooting, you are slowly but surely programming your mind to obey her.

I have come to obey my wife, Goddess Voltairine and Ms. Lane implicitly and I believe it is in no small measure a result of them assuming control over my orgasms.

So that’s my thoughts. How about you?

Women don’t talk like that

I will be the first to confess that I did not believe Ms. Renee Lane was real. In fact, when I originally started reading her book, I left it half finished because somewhere in the middle I concluded it was a jerk off fantasy written by a man under the pseudonym of a woman. If had to be.

Because real women don’t talk like that.

I’ve been around the kink world for decades, meeting pro-dommes, going to national events and private parties, and the kinky women I’ve met (and that’s a lot), even the dominant ones simply did not talk about their sexual arousal at torturing a man and such. Sure, they would spank or whip you, a few I know even have 24/7 D/s relationships. But even those seemed to be pretty loving couples for whom D/s was just an small riff in their relationship song. And only in male fantasy/male oriented fiction is the dominant woman bi-sexual with an equally sadistic lesbian lover. No, this was some guy’s fantasy porn and I put it aside unfinished.

Except it isn’t. Ms. Renee Lane is real. What is in her book… is real.

How do I know? I did my research. I’ve had private correspondence with her. I have even met her and Butler in person. But don’t take my word for it, just attend DomCon in New Orleans and you can introduce yourself to them as well.

And through Ms. Lane, I’ve met Goddess Viola Voltairine. A slave owner of two men, seeking to create her own harem of male servants. She also revels in female sexual sadistry. A self-proclaimed vampire, she cuts and feeds on her favorite boy Drum’s blood regularly.

And she is equally real.

Since then and thanks to Ms. Voltairine’s online courses, I have embarked on a study of feminism, matriarchy, and gynarchy and through that have discovered a whole new breed of empowered women who talk and act like men! They aren’t coy or try to be ‘mysterious’ about their desires, they are point blank. “This is what turns me on, this is my kink. Take it or just go.” They understand their power doesn’t come from catering to their males’ wants. They don’t need a whip or to wear fetish gear to get their way because they are not into WIITWD to cater to their husband or boyfriend’s kinks or for the money, they are in it because it turns them on to dominate and punish men and they are very open about it!

It used to be easy to tell the difference between a woman writing an ad or profile and a man catfishing as a woman, because women were coy and coquettish. They say a picture is worth a thousand words so – men post dick pics, women post a close-up of their manicured hands doing up a garter stay. Get it?

But not so with this new generation of empowered women. So much so that I can no longer differentiate between a male pretending to be a dominant woman, and an actual dominant woman!

And here’s the real kicker – Having a woman text you, “So, you wanna be tied up and ass fucked or what?” is… embarrassing, emasculating, dehumanizing. It makes you feel like your just a thing for her to use to get herself off and she isn’t really interested in you as a person. And once she has and is no longer in the mood to listen to your horny male speak, she’ll tell you that too. “Shut up. I’m busy right now.” *

Gee. I guess it’s just like women must have felt with us sexually aggressive men for centuries.

The tables are turning. Ms. Lane and Ms. Voltairine embody the new woman. In the end, I welcome these sexually dominant empowered women. You don’t need to guess what they want, they will tell you. You don’t need to wonder if they are ‘really into it’ or just catering to you for one reason or another, believe them, they aren’t. Their sexual fantasies are theirs and are just as twisted and evil as any man’s. And if you are lucky and work really, really hard to be a good boy for them, they might just include you in them!

* It really gives a whole different outlook on the term, “kept man”. You aren’t financially dependent on her or anything, you are just ‘kept’ waiting around for her fun when she wants you!

On Being a House Slave

If you are ever being considered by a sadistic, dominant woman who keeps a her own harem of men, you must ask yourself how far will you go to obey?

Your body, your sexual choices may no longer be your own. She will dictate them to you as it pleases her.

Orgasms will be few and far between and when permitted, she may make them as humiliating was possible – for her own amusement and for your continued debasement and psychological conditioning into absolute obedience and slavery to her.

The one who cums first gets punished while the winner pleasures me…

Release day in the harem. You don’t deserve to touch a woman! Now hurry up.
I have more important matters to attend to.

That’s life…

Life experience – and I’m differentiating here between experience and education or innate intelligence – can be a funny and wonderful thing and truly magnify even the smallest things in your life.

I was reminded of this because here on Discord and on Patreon, I see Ms. V. addressed in many different ways, the most common being Ms. Viola. I call her Goddess or Viola Devi if I’m trying to be more personal and intimate, but more on that in a bit.

It’s important to note here I am not suggesting whatever you call her is wrong! The only determiner of that is you and Ms. V. herself. I am just musing here and offering food for thought. There is no ‘you’re better then me/I’m better than you’ here. That kind of competition is very male. Stop reading things that way!

In my many travels I have almost exclusively been referred to as Mr. Brett by wait staff, concierges, hotel and cruise workers. Yes, I’m one of those curious and kind people who introduce themselves to staff and ask their names, but Brett is my first name, not my surname. I am actually Mr. MacElveen. Over time, it began to feel kind of a marker to me that I was in a third-world country and honestly, it felt almost affectionate. But call me a grammar nazi, persnickety or whatever you want but, Mr. or Ms. are honorifics typically followed by a surname. That’s the formal/respectful thing to do. If and when I refer to her as Ms., it is Ms. Voltairine. It just feels more respectful to me… less familiar than addressing her by her first name. Similarly, she has and will always be Ms. Lane to me, not Ms. Renee.

You can give me an explanation like “slaves on the plantation called their female masters by Ms. Sally and such, so to me it feels more submissive and slave-like.” And you know what? You’re right! Well, you’re right for you… that’s what works for you, she’s okay with it, rock on bro!

In my specific case I choose, and importantly she permits me to, call her Goddess.

So going back to life experiences, I have had a life full of deep spiritual experiences and I am deeply empathetic so I sense and feel… oh, let’s call them ‘High Powers’ to avoid gendering things… all around me. They are very important to me and they determine much of how I choose to live my life.

Aside from being attuned to these powers around me, I have had the experience of being a ‘split person’ and with compartmentalization of my emotions and thoughts thanks in part to my background as a professional musician and interestingly thanks to my being a recovering alcoholic. So when I first talked with Ms. Voltairine, I felt a divine power performing it’s will through her. And the more I read from her, I readily understood and fully believed that a human being could be both human and flawed and in the time and same body, be a divine being and a channel for her holy power. (Is it any wonder I flubbed my pledge when I finally found myself at her feet looking into hers eyes at Domcon!???)

You may be a skeptic. That’s perfectly okay. I’m still not sure I believe in UFOs and have my own opinions on ghosts. I only have the benefit of my life experiences to draw my conclusions from and since your life has been different than mine, of course you may see things differently.

She let’s me call her Goddess because I see her and she knows I see her. I worship the feminine divine in her.

Here is another small example of how my life experience changes the ways I see and interpret things. When I was in the middle east a long time ago, I learned that Phoenicia, translated as the ‘land of purple’ because they supplied the dye that was used by ancient royalty to denote… well, royalty. They had the Tyrian snail whose ink produced the dye. 12,000 snails where needed to dye a band denoting royal status onto a single Roman’s tunic. Interesting cocktail information, huh?

Going backwards many years when I learned primary colors, I learned purple was also made by combining blue and red. Again a symbol of royalty in ancient cultures because red (like blood) represented man and blue (like the sky) represented God. Royalty was the coming together of the human and the divine. Red/Blue = Purple.

Fast forward even more to when I first saw pictures of Goddess’ Chicago dungeon appointed in her favorite color… blue. Of course it would be blue. And the clients’ blood would provide the red. See how a simple fact like “she likes blue in her dungeon” can take on a whole different meaning thanks to things picked up over time?

Do I have a point to make here? Nope. I’m just ruminating on a snowy day and marveling at the fact that given we all have different experiences and knowledge it’s a wonder we can communicate at all. That’s why I’ve got such respect for people Like Ms. Voltairine and Ms. Lane who can speak to such a huge audience and actually get their point across! 🙂 Major props to these women!

When Worlds Collide

When kinky folk compliment me on my sense of selfless, self effacing servitude, telling me “You are the real deal” and wondering how I became what I am, I can point in part to my status as a recovering alcoholic. I received release my my addiction only through humbly asking for help, confessing a power greater than me exists and is my only chance of freedom and life. I see so many parallels to my recovery and my submission that I decided to document them..

To all my fellow alcoholics and my fellow male submissives, I love you.

“Goddess is making use of you – you should be grateful She’s found a use for you.”

The Great Feminine Creator can only create through human beings. Each human being has a purpose given to us by Her. We are on this earth to fulfill Her purpose. Our only work is to make ourselves ready, to become a channel, to perform for Her. We prepare ourselves by learning. We prepare ourselves by becoming unselfish. We prepare ourselves by seeking and choosing to walk on a spiritual path guided by women. Each morning we honor Her with a prayer. We offer our gifts. We ask Her to help us do Her will for today. In this simple way, we still fulfill our purpose. It should be an honor to serve womankind.

Goddess, today I am ready to serve You.

To the alcoholic – The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

To the male slave – The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

THE KEY IS WILLINGNESS Once we have placed the key of willingness in the lock and have the door ever so slightly open, we find that we can always open it some more. — TWELVE STEPS AND 12 TRADITIONS

The willingness to give up my pride and self-will to a Power greater than myself has proved to be the only ingredient absolutely necessary to solve all of my problems today. Even the smallest amount of willingness, if sincere, is sufficient to allow God to enter and take control over any problem, pain, or obsession. My level of comfort is in direct relation to the degree of willingness I possess at any given moment to give up my self-will, and allow God’s will to be manifested in my life. With the key of willingness, my worries and fears are powerfully transformed into serenity.

THE KEY IS WILLINGNESS Once we have placed the key of willingness in the lock and have the door ever so slightly open, we find that we can always open it some more. — Words of the Goddess

The willingness to give up my pride and self-will to a Goddess has proved to be the only ingredient absolutely necessary to solve all of my problems today. Even the smallest amount of willingness, if sincere, is sufficient to allow Goddess to enter and take control over any problem, pain, or obsession. My level of comfort is in direct relation to the degree of willingness I possess at any given moment to give up my self-will, and allow Goddess’s will to be manifested in my life. With the key of willingness, my worries and fears are powerfully transformed into serenity.

Jesus Calling: August 19

I continually call you to closeness with Me. I know the depth and breadth of your need for Me. I can read the emptiness of your thoughts when they wander away from Me. I offer rest for your soul, as well as refreshment for your mind and body. As you increasingly find fulfillment in Me, other pleasures become less important. Knowing Me intimately is like having a private wellspring of Joy within you. The spring flows freely from My throne of grace, so your Joy is independent of circumstances.

Waiting on My Presence keeps you connected to Me, aware of all that I offer you. If you feel any deficiency, you need to refocus your attention on Me. This is how you trust Me in the moments of your life.

Goddess Calling: August 19

I am calling you to a life of thankfulness. I want all your moments to be punctuated with thanksgiving. The basis for your gratitude is My sovereignty. I am the Creator and Controller of the universe. Heaven and earth are filled with My glorious Presence.
When you criticize or complain, you are acting as if you think you could run the world better than I do. From your limited human perspective, it may look as if I’m mismanaging things. But you don’t know what I know or see what I see. If I pulled back the curtain to allow you to view heavenly realms, you would understand much more. However, I have designed you to live by faith, not by sight. I lovingly shield you from knowing the future or seeing into the spirit world. Acknowledge My sovereignty by giving thanks in all circumstances.

I am calling you to a life of thankfulness. I want all your moments to be punctuated with thanksgiving. The basis for your gratitude is My sovereignty. I am the Creator and Controller of your universe. Your Heaven and earth are filled with My glorious Presence.
When you criticize or complain, you are acting as if you think you could run your world better than I do. From your limited male perspective, it may look as if I’m mismanaging things. But you don’t know what I know or see what I see. If I pulled back the curtain to allow you to view my heavenly realms, you would understand much more. However, I have designed you to live by obedience, not by sight. I lovingly shield you from knowing your future or seeing into the spirit world. Acknowledge My sovereignty by giving thanks in all circumstances.

Jesus Calling:

I am the Risen One who shines upon you always. You worship a living Deity, not some idolatrous, man-made image. Your relationship with Me is meant to be vibrant and challenging, as I invade more and more areas of your life. Do not fear change, for I am making you a new creation, with old things passed away and new things continually on the horizon. When you cling to old ways and sameness, you resist My work within you. I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security in Me alone.
It is easy to make an idol of routine, finding security within the boundaries you build around your life. Although each day contains twenty-four hours, every single one presents a unique set of circumstances. Don’t try to force-fit today into yesterday’s mold. Instead, ask Me to open your eyes, so you can find all I have prepared for you in this precious day of Life.

Goddess Calling:

I am the Risen One who shines upon you always. You worship a living Deity, not some idolatrous, man-made image. Your relationship with Me is meant to be vibrant and challenging, as I invade more and more areas of your life. Do not fear change, for I am making you a new creation, with old things passed away and new things continually on the horizon. When you cling to old ways and sameness, you resist My work within you. I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security in Me alone.
It is easy to make an idol of routine, finding security within the boundaries you build around your life. Although each day contains twenty-four hours, every single one presents a unique set of circumstances. Don’t try to force-fit today into yesterday’s mold. Instead, ask Me to open your eyes, so you can find all I have prepared for you in this precious day of Life.

RESCUED BY SURRENDERING

Characteristic of the so-called typical alcoholic is a narcissistic egocentric core, dominated by feelings of omnipotence, intent on maintaining at all costs its inner integrity. . . . Inwardly the alcoholic brooks no control from man or God. He, the alcoholic, is and must be the master of his destiny. He will fight to the end to preserve that position. — A.A. COMES OF AGE

The great mystery is: “Why do some of us die alcoholic deaths, fighting to preserve the ‘independence’ of our ego, while others seem to sober up effortlessly in A.A.?” Help from a Higher Power, the gift of sobriety, came to me when an otherwise unexplained desire to stop drinking coincided with my willingness to accept the suggestions of the men and women of A.A. I had to surrender, for only by reaching out to God and my fellows could I be rescued.

RESCUED BY SURRENDERING

Characteristic of the so-called typical male is a narcissistic egocentric core, dominated by feelings of omnipotence, intent on maintaining at all costs its inner integrity. . . . Inwardly the male brooks no control from man or God. He, the male, is and must be the master of his destiny. He will fight to the end to preserve that position. — Words of the Goddess

The great mystery is: “Why do some of us lonely sad deaths, fighting to preserve the ‘independence’ of our male ego, while others seem to live joyous lives.?” Help from a Higher Power, the divine feminine Goddess, came to me when an otherwise unexplained desire to surrender my ego coincided with my willingness to accept the suggestions of women. I had to surrender, for only by reaching out to the Goddess could I be rescued.

MYSTERIOUS PARADOXES Such is the paradox of A.A. regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one’s old life as a condition for finding a new one. — A.A. COMES OF AGE, p. 46

What glorious mysteries paradoxes are! They do not compute, yet when recognized and accepted, they reaffirm something in the universe beyond human logic. When I face a fear, I am given courage; when I support a brother or sister, my capacity to love myself is increased; when I accept pain as part of the growing experience of life, I realize a greater happiness; when I look at my dark side, I am brought into new light; when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender to a Higher Power, I am graced with unforeseen strength. I stumbled through the doors of A.A. in disgrace, expecting nothing from life, and I have been given hope and dignity. Miraculously, the only way to keep the gift of the program is to given it away freely.

MYSTERIOUS PARADOXES Such is the paradox of male slavery to women: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one’s old life as a condition for finding a new one. — Words of the Goddess

What glorious mysteries paradoxes are! They do not compute, yet when recognized and accepted, they reaffirm something in the universe beyond human logic. When I face my fear, I am given courage; when I support a woman, my capacity to love myself is increased; when I accept pain as part of the growing experience of life, I realize a greater happiness; when I permit a woman to look at my dark side, I am brought into new light; when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender to a woman, I am graced with unforeseen strength. I stumbled to her feet in disgrace, expecting nothing from life, and I have been given hope and dignity. Miraculously, the only way to keep the gift of freedom and enlightenment is to submit to her freely and completely.

Native American

“Women. They have the power of generations. Women have the power to have children and not to have children.”
–Cecilia Mitchell, MOHAWK

The Woman is not only the key to life; she is also the key to future generations. An Elder once joked that the Woman only needs the man for one night. We need to look at and respect the power of the Woman. She is special and we need to treat her that way.

Great Spirit, today, let me show the greatest respect to our Women.

SELF-EXAMINATION

. . . we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.

— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 86

When said sincerely, this prayer teaches me to be truly unselfish and humble, for even in doing good deeds I often used to seek approval and glory for myself. By examining my motives in all that I do, I can be of service to God and others, helping them do what they want to do. When I put God in charge of my thinking, much needless worry is eliminated and I believe He guides me throughout the day. When I eliminate thoughts of self-pity, dishonesty and self-centeredness as soon as they enter my mind, I find peace with God, my neighbor and myself.

SELF-EXAMINATION

. . . we ask Goddess to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.

— Words of the Goddess

When said sincerely, this prayer teaches me to be truly unselfish and humble, for even in doing good deeds I often used to seek approval and glory for myself. By examining my motives in all that I do, I can be of service to Goddess and others, helping them do what they want to do. When I put Goddess in charge of my thinking, much needless worry is eliminated and I believe She guides me throughout the day. When I eliminate thoughts of self-pity, dishonesty and self-centeredness as soon as they enter my mind, I find peace with Goddess, my neighbor and myself.

I DON’T RUN THE SHOW
When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be? — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 53
Today my choice is God. He is everything. For this I am truly grateful. When I think I am running the show I am blocking God from my life. I pray I can remember this when I allow myself to get caught up into self. The most important thing is that today I am willing to grow along spiritual lines, and that God is everything. When I was trying to quit drinking on my own, it never worked; with God and A.A., it is working. This seems to be a simple thought for a complicated alcoholic.

I DON’T RUN THE SHOW
When we as males, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either Goddess is everything or else she is nothing. Goddess either is, or she isn’t. What was our choice to be? — Words of the Goddess

Today my choice is Goddess. She is everything. For this I am truly grateful. When I think I am running the show I am blocking Goddess from my life. I pray I can remember this when I allow myself to get caught up into self. The most important thing is that today I am willing to grow along spiritual lines, and that Goddess is everything. When I was on my own, it never worked; with Goddess and all her worldly incarnations it is working. This seems to be a simple thought for a complicated male.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of her teachings . . . – Words of the Goddess

As I continued to work at the lessons given, something began to happen to me. I felt confused because I wasn’t sure what it was that I was feeling, and then I realized I was experiencing serenity. It was a good feeling, but where had it come from? Then I realized it had come “. . . as the result of her teachings.” Male submission may not always be easy to practice, but I had to acknowledge that my serenity had come to me after working at obedience to the feminine divine. As I adhered to being subservient to women in everything I do, practicing feminine principles in all my affairs, now I find that I am awake to Goddess, to the power of all women, and to myself. The spiritual awakening I have enjoyed as the result of learning to obey is the awareness that I am no longer in charge. I am a slave. I need only to obey.

In Seva to all women lies serenity.

Native American

“If you have one hundred people who live together, and if each one cares for the rest, there is One Mind.” -Shining Arrows, CROW

One of the principles of CommUnity is Unity. The alignment of thoughts in groups of people will cause One Mind to form. One Mind is Unity. Each individual in the community must align their thoughts with what other members are thinking. If all the people think of helping one another, then the community will be service oriented and powerful results will be enjoyed. Having our thoughts aligned within a group will cause our children to experience a positive environment. When they have children, the grandchildren will automatically experience these results also.

Goddess, help me to contribute to positive group thought.

You can achieve the victorious life through living in deep dependence on Me. It is through your failure, weakness and neediness that you will learn to rely on Me.

True dependence is coming to Me with an open mind and heart, inviting Me to plant My desires within you. I may infuse within you a dream that seems far beyond your reach. You know that in yourself you cannot achieve such a goal. Thus begins your journey of profound reliance on Me. It is a faith-walk, taken one step at a time, deferring to my guidance as much as you need. This is not a path of continual success but of multiple failures. However, each failure is followed by a growth spurt, nourished by increased devotion and submission to Me. Enjoy the blessedness of a victorious life, through deepening your worship of Me.

Anyone who, even for a second, feels a pure, clear confidence on hearing the truth, will experience immeasurable happiness. Why? Because, at that moment, that person is not caught up in the concept of self or a living being or a life span. He is not caught up in concepts about the world, nor is he caught up in concepts about nothingness. He does not take any notice of the idea that this is a sign, or that is not a sign.

For if you are caught up in ideas, then you will be caught up in the self. And even if you are caught up in ideas about nothingness, you will still be caught up in the self. That is why we should not get attached to the belief that things either exist or do not exist. This is the hidden meaning when I say that all my teachings are a raft – to be abandoned when you see true being.

-Diamond Sutra

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THE VICTORY OF SURRENDER

We perceive that only through the utter defeat of our fragile male egos at the hands of womankind are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness before them turns out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built.

“She has a voice that doesn’t use words, listen.”

“True slavery is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.”

“It’s hard to pray to Goddess if you think that you are a God yourself, and it’s even harder to be an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. Less self, less problems.”

FIRST, THE FOUNDATION

Is good behavior towards women all that we can expect of a spiritual awakening? No, it is only a bare beginning. – Words of the Goddess

Practicing feminine ideals is like building a house. First I had to pour a big, thick concrete slab on which to erect the house. That was the equivalent of stopping being a pure misogynist. But it’s pretty uncomfortable living on a concrete slab, unprotected and exposed to the heat, cold, wind and rain. So I built a room on the slab by starting to practice feminist ideals. The first room was rickety because I wasn’t used to the work. But as time passed, as I practiced those ideals, I learned to build better rooms. The more I practiced, and the more I built, the more comfortable, and happy, was the home I now have to live in.

TRUE AMBITION

True ambition is not what I thought it was. True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of the Goddess. – Words of the Goddess

During my patriarchal years, my one and only concern was to have my fellow man think highly of me. My ambition in everything I did was to have the power to be at the top. My inner self kept telling me something else but I couldn’t accept it. I didn’t even allow myself to realize that I wore a mask continually. Finally, when the mask came off and I cried out to the only true power I could conceive, woman. They patiently taught me through worship and loving them without expectations, that each day can be joyous and fruitful. I begin and end my day with thanks to the Goddess, who has so generously shed Her grace upon me.

DAILY RESOLUTIONS

The idea of “twenty-four-hour living” applies primarily to the emotional life of the male slave. Emotionally speaking, we must not live in yesterday, nor in tomorrow. – Words of the Goddess

A New Year: 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes — a time to consider directions, goals, and actions. I must make some plans to live a normal life, but also I must live emotionally within a twenty-four-hour frame, for if I do, I don’t have to make New Year’s resolutions! I can make every day a New Year’s day! I can decide, “Today I will surrender more. Today I will serve better.” Each day I can measure my life by trying to serve womankind a little better, by deciding to follow Goddess’s will and by making an effort to put the principles of the feminine divine into action.

I will not overwhelm myself with my failures as her servant, and how much more work needs to be done to improve myself for her. I am comforted in knowing that my life is now in the hands of a Goddess, a master craftsman who is shaping each part of my life into a unique work of art. By working her program I can be partly satisfied, knowing that “in doing the best that I can for her today”, I am doing what Goddess asks of me.

“Goddess can only do for me what she can do through me. Humility is the result of knowing that Goddess is the doer, not me. In the light of this awareness, how can I take pride in my accomplishments? I am an instrument and any work I seem to be doing is being done by Goddess through me. I pray to Goddess on a daily basis to remove my male ego and shortcomings, in order that I may more freely go about my business of love and service to her.”

HUMILITY IS A GIFT

As long as we placed self-reliance first, a genuine reliance upon a Goddess was out of the question. That basic ingredient of all humility, a desire to seek and do Goddess’s will, was missing. – Words of the Goddess

When I first came to the worship of women, I wanted to find some of the elusive quality called humility. I didn’t realize I was looking for humility because I thought it would help me get what I wanted, and that I would do anything if I thought Goddess would somehow reward me for it. I try to remember now that the women I meet in the course of my day are as close to Goddess as I am ever going to get while on this earth. I need to pray for knowledge of Goddess’s will today, and see how my experience can serve her and womankind; if I can do that, I don’t need to search for humility, it has found me.

Worship Me only.

Whatever occupies your mind the most becomes your goddess. Worries, if indulged, develop into idols. Anxiety gains a life of its own, parasitically infesting your mind. Break free from this bondage of self by affirming your obedience to Me and refreshing yourself in My Power over you. What goes on in your mind is invisible, undetectable to other people. But I read your thoughts continually, searching for evidence of complete submission and utter devotion to Me. I rejoice when your mind turns toward Me. Guard your thoughts diligently; good thought choices – worshipful and obedient thoughts – will keep you forever close to Me.

GOAL: SURRENDER

“. . . Gently and very gradually She began to infiltrate my life. I can’t say upon what occasion or upon what day I came to believe in Goddess as a power greater than myself, but I certainly have that belief now.” – from Words of the Goddess

“Came to believe!” I gave lip service to my belief when I felt like it or when I thought it would look good. I didn’t really trust Goddess. I didn’t believe She cared for me. I kept trying to change things I couldn’t change. Gradually, in disgust, I began to turn my will over, saying: “You’re so omnipotent, you take care of it.” She did. I began to receive answers to my deepest questions, sometimes at the most unusual times: driving to the store, eating lunch, or when I was sound asleep. I realized that I hadn’t thought of those solutions— Goddess had given them to me. I came to believe.

RESCUED BY SURRENDERING

Characteristic of the so-called typical male is a narcissistic egocentric core, dominated by feelings of omnipotence, intent on maintaining at all costs its inner integrity. . . Inwardly the patriarchal male brooks no control from man or God. He, the uneducated male , is and must be the master of his destiny. He will fight to the end to preserve that position. – from Words of the Goddess

The great mystery is: “Why do some of us males go to our deaths, fighting to preserve the ‘independence’ of our ego, while others seem to effortlessly surrender themselves to the feminine divine?” Help from a Goddess, the gift of submission, came to me when an otherwise unexplained desire to surrender coincided with my willingness to accept Her suggestions and the suggestions of other feminist women. I had to surrender, for only by obeying Goddess could I be rescued from my destructive male ego. Only through service to all that is feminine could I become truly free.

MYSTERIOUS PARADOXES

Such is the paradox of male submission to the feminine: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one’s old male life as a condition for finding a new one in service to Her. – Words of the Goddess

What glorious mysteries paradoxes are! They do not compute, yet when recognized and accepted, they reaffirm something in the universe beyond male logic. When I face a fear, I am given courage; when I love and support a woman’s ideals, my capacity to love myself is increased; when I accept pain as part my experience under her control, I realize a greater happiness; when I look at my dark side, I am brought into new light; when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender to Her, I am graced with unforeseen strength. I stumbled through my male life in disgrace, expecting nothing from life, and she has given me hope and pride. Miraculously, the only way to keep the gifts of being male is to surrender them… give them away to the control of the Female.

CLEANING HOUSE

Somehow, being alone with the Goddess doesn’t seem as embarrassing as facing up to an actual woman. Until we actually sit down and talk aloud about what we have so long hidden, our willingness to clean house and obey is still largely theoretical. – The words of the Goddess

It wasn’t unusual for me to talk to the great Goddess, and myself, about my character defects. But to sit down, face to face, and openly discuss these intimacies with a woman was much more difficult. I recognized in the experience, however, a similar relief to the one I had experienced when I first admitted I was a tool of the patriarchal system against women. I began to appreciate the spiritual significance of her program and that this step was just an introduction to what was yet to come in the joy of utter openness and obedience to womankind.

SELF-EXAMINATION

. . . we ask Goddess to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. – Words of the Goddess

When said sincerely, this prayer teaches me to be truly unselfish and humble, for even in doing good deeds I often used to seek approval and glory for myself. By examining my motives in all that I do, I can be of service to Goddess and all women, helping them do what they want to do. When I put Goddess in charge of my thinking, much needless worry is eliminated and I believe She guides me throughout the day. When I eliminate thoughts of self-pity, dishonesty and self-centeredness as soon as they enter my mind, I find peace with Goddess, with all women, and with myself.

SPIRITUAL HEALTH

When the spiritual malady of patriarchy is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. – Words of the Goddess

It is very difficult for me to come to terms with my spiritual illness because of my great male pride, disguised by my material successes and my intellectual power. Intelligence is not incompatible with humility before women, provided I place humility to them first. To seek prestige and wealth is the ultimate goal for many men in the modern world. To be fashionable and to seem better than we really are is a spiritual illness. Patriarchy is the source of our illness.

To recognize and to admit my weaknesses before women is the beginning of good spiritual health. It is a sign of spiritual health to be able to ask Goddess every day to enlighten me, to recognize Her will, and to have the strength to execute it. I can consider my spiritual health to be excellent only when I realize that I need to help and to serve all women… at any cost to my false pride or useless male wealth. For what use is all my intelligence and wealth if not in service to the will and goals of women.

“Natural (Feminine) authority is the final and absolute governing sacred spirit. It is why we call earth our Mother.” – Words of the Goddess

There is no power greater than Woman’s natural authority. These powers were set up by the Goddess in such a way that we, the male being, has no access to them, except by obeying. When we choose not to follow Woman’s natural laws and authority, our lives become filled with confusion, tension, anxiety and stress. If we poison their Earth, we poison themselves. As we abuse their authority, so do we abuse ourselves. May we think about this today and ask ourselves, “Are we holding and acting under the natural laws and authority of women in a good and obedient way?”

Great Goddess, teach me your natural laws that govern men and all the Earth.

“The confession of evil works is the first beginning of good works.” – Words of the Goddess

We started recovering the minute we admitted we were powerless before women. We crossed over from dishonesty to honesty.

Often, we don’t see what power honesty has. Maybe we still aren’t sure that being honest is best for us. It is! This is why the earthly goddesses ask us to be totally honest with them from the start.

Just as denial of the true power of women feeds male sickness, honesty is what makes our recovery in the feminine divine work.

Honesty means self-respect. Honesty heals. Honesty let us look women in the eyes. What comfort we’ll feel as we deeper under their spell.

Prayer for the Day: I pray that I’ll let go totally. I pray that I’ll keep no secrets from women that could put my servitude and usefulness to all women at risk.

CENTERING OUR THOUGHTS

When faced with their brutish, violent, and sexist patriarchal male friends, their submission to a Higher (Female) Power had its first major test. Men who willingly entered the service of women were scattered all over the world. Would they be able to take abuse and derision from their fellow males, stand up under fire, and endure? – Words of the Goddess

I will center my thoughts on a Her. I will surrender all to her power within me. I will become a soldier for this power, feeling the might of the feminist spiritual army as it exists in my life today. I will allow a wave of spiritual union to connect me through my gratitude, obedience and discipline to Her power. Let me allow her power to lead me through the orders of the day. May the steps I take today strengthen Her through my words and deeds, may I know that the message I carry is mine to share, given freely to me by this power greater than myself, Woman.

One hour of Brett

“An exercise for you: Spend an hour with yourself with no distractions (no music, no books, no TV). Just sit. Don’t intentionally meditate. Write about any feelings that crop up for you.”

I sat down on the couch in our living room and turned on the heating pad against my back, stiff from chopping ice off the driveway. As I sat I took time to voice-to-text type whatever ran through my mind. Here is what I thought about in chronological order;

My very first thought was the word ‘obedience.’ I was doing this because I was told to.
Calmly thought about and ordered the things I need to do when I am done. No sense of urgency or wasting time. Just ordering thoughts.
Marveled at the gentle snow falling outside the window. It’s seeming randomness, yet it will cover everything in almost perfect evenness.
Watching/enjoying the antics of a ridiculous squirrel at the feeder munching away at the peanuts we put out.
Slowly became aware of my heart beat and breathing. Began to do conscious breath exercises to relax even further.
Felt the calmness and perfect beauty of the moments passing.
Thought of Suzanne’s client who contacted her yesterday. He broke his neck in a fall and during his hospital stay, they discovered stage 4 cancer. He has months to live. My thoughts turned to mortality and ‘the big picture’.
The snow is earlier than expected. Will that mean more accumulation? Do we have all our needed supplies? I think so. We’re good.
I suddenly had a sense I would like to have done this chained by the neck. And thoughts of my love of slavery & helplessness.
I begin to luxuriate in the feelings of my body. The warmth of the heating pad, my fuzzy, cozy sweater.
I become aware of the ‘hum’ of life all around. The turtle tank pump. The rumble of Suzanne’s treadmill upstairs. My blood pressure buzzing in my ears.
I feel satisfied with my life. I’ve made good choices.
(30 minute mark) My eyes grow heavy and I close them, just listening now.
Zoned out for 3-4 minutes.
Saw the book I’m reading next to me – “How to argue with a cat”. And thought about what I was learning about myself from it in regards to personal communication.
Marveled at the turtle’s glide. So boxy and bulky, yet so smooth and fluid in her swimming.
Noticing little things around me that need attention. Dust on the entertainment center, clean the glass on the turtle tank.
Petted the cat next to me.
Returned to thoughts of mortality and Suze’s dying client.
44 minute mark I may have cheated. I felt hungry and got up to get a bowl of strawberries and two slices of swiss cheese and ate.
The remaining 13-ish minutes where loops of similar thoughts, returning to the dying client, mortality, and the ‘big picture’… the beautiful snow and soft light of the day, my breathing…

P.S. Apparently while I sat in my awareness, a 1.4 magnitude struck Connecticut. I didn’t feel a thing. I guess there is awareness, then there’s awareness… lol!